The Thin Line Between Acceptance and Settling

According to google, acceptance is the act of consenting to receive or undertake something offered. While settling is a passive fear-based resignation that sacrifices personal standards or values. Settling involves lowering standards due to belief that one deserves less and cannot do better.

Now that we have the definitions down, let’s talk about them in regard to children. I know you are wondering what this heavy topic has to do with kids but stay with me i’m cooking. As i expect all of you to know, kids typically don’t know the difference between them, if yours does then happy birthday Beyonce. I digress, so it’s up to us adults or parents to teach them. If you are not a parent or don’t plan on being one stick around you might learn a thing or two regardless.

Most of us growing up, we were taught to accept what we were given and where we were in life and were expected to be grateful for it, because there are people with less. Don’t get me wrong, i agree that if we are not grateful for what we have now, we might not be when we have more and it could lead to comparison and eventually envy. But the acceptance that was shoved down our little African throats, is what has eventually led us to accept a lot of mediocrity, even later in our adult lives. We don’t question what we are offered or what is done to us. We don’t ask for better or more when we should or deserve, and this is where settling creeps in.

This acceptance that was instilled in us by our parents, environment or/and society cuts across everything and if we could stop being oblivious to it for a moment and open our eyes we would see. Take for instance, children in school and at home are taught to not question or speak up against authority figures. That a good or polite child, sits still and quiet, takes what they are given without question or defiance, otherwise they are labeled “Kichwa ngumu”. As i’m sure most of us who were loud and did not take what we knew we did not like were called.

Again, I am not out here vigilanting for kids to be ungrateful and disrespectful, the point i am passing across is let your child be bold about what they want or don’t want. I get the idea of boundaries, i do, but the case i bring to court is the quote on quote mtoto hatanicontrol because it was never about control. I think most parents should embrace the perception that as much as your child is your child and will always be, you must also actively chase to see them as an individual identity and person.

A child who has grown up in an environment where their parent or authority figure takes the time to talk to them and make them understand why certain things are done a certain way/time and not just because i said so, is a child that will grow up knowing they can ask for explanations and are required to give explanations as well. A person who does not bend over backwards and take everything and anything they are given, but knows when they should stand up against authority, stand up for others, for themselves and for what they believe. It teaches them patience to both themselves and to others, because it takes patience to explain things to a child instead of commands and tyranny.These children grow up to be people with regulated nervous systems, and people who are not afraid to hope, dream and ask for better days and things.

Say there is a different child raised in a household or environment where what the parent says goes. This child is being conditioned to know that his/her opinions or wants does not matter. They grow up having their voices being silenced,until they don’t know themselves or their needs/wants anymore . The parent that was supposed to teach them how to be all rounded human beings with bold personalities and self-esteem, has taught them to be timid, camouflaged as proper and polite. This kids end up being doormats in society and because ‘ asiyefunzwa na mamaye hufunzwa na ulimwengu’, the ulimwengu is gonna use them every which way. Just because they cannot help themselves and say, “ no, i don’t deserve this and i am better than this.” As expected, they end up being people pleasers and in toxic relationships, toxic jobs, toxic friendships, you name it, just a pile of mashup toxicity.

Monkey see, monkey does. Eventually these kids with impatient parents end up being the impatient parents with kids and the cycle- a toxic one is born in a new generation. If you are a child that was born in this cycle i have a light at the end of the tunnel for you. First and foremost i’m so sorry that you were brought up with an angry and an impatient parent, but the light is you get to break that cycle, and say it ends with you. Work on regulating your nervous system, know what you want and be very bold and fierce about it. Dare to dream, dream so big that it scares you, now strap up and ask, demand the universe for it. If you have children or plan to, don’t let this fall on deaf ears. Seek to be a better parent. Do not let your children heal from having you as a parent.

I personally don’t have kids yet so you might choose to not take my words to heart or take them with a pinch of salt but one day when God wills it and i have my own, i will do my best to bring them up in the most regulated nervous system way possible. I will take my time to explain things to them, why things are or are not the way they are. I am gonna actively make room for them to be bold and spirited. Room to have a personality and know who they are, what they like or don’t like. Room to know they have a voice and their opinions matter. Yes, i am the parent and sometimes my word will stand but they will know that it is not coming from a place of control.

In conclusion, let us raise a better generation that dares to ask, dares to stand up, dares to dream and know that the refusal to accept and settle does not mean ungratefulness. A generation and a society with a backbone ,people that understand that two things can exist at once, you can be grateful and still hope and dream for a better future. This applies to us adults as well because the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. We have to know, understand and do it before we teach them.